I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
im on a boat
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