After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
