They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
