I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
