Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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