There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
