You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
