STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
