lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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