Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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