I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
