I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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