what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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