Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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