My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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