i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
