I wish you could order shots online.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
