My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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