I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
