last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
