I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
