I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
