I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
