We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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