"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
