We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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