Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
