Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
