Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
