I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
