my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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