My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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