I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
