please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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