Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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