Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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