genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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