I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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