It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The best revenge is premature balding
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
