I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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