Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
