I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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