everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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