You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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