I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
