For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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