Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
