Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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