I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
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i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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