Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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