i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
