I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
