Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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