Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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